growing pains

growing up is the hardest thing i’ve had to experience. it’s frustrating, it’s beautiful, it’s ugly and it happens so quickly. i can’t say it’s been a slip-n-slide because that would be far from the truth. whether i like it or not, i’ve dealt with loss, i’ve felt waves of depression, i’ve curled up in a ball and closed my eyes wishing there was a different way.

a friend back home once told me that doubt kills more dreams than failure…yes, i have and am currently fighting the battle of uncertainty. my dreams of being an artist are fading quickly and what i thought i wanted to pursue seems so silly. i work so hard and i can’t seem to be happy with anything i’ve done (we are our worst critics, right?). it kills me just thinking of saying goodbye, packing my bags and heading back to california but being here in savannah has not been frosting on the cake. my mom assures me that leaving would not be an act of failure because i did not fail…i just chose to take a different path. while this comforts me, it still makes me uneasy. i can say that i am here because i love the people, i love the relationships that have blossomed here…but i’m not here for school anymore. i pray to God that he shows me where i’m supposed to be, because i am one lost and disheartened girl. maybe i’m supposed to stick with it and believe that there are better things ahead (because there usually are). maybe i’m supposed to head back home and reinvent myself; figure out what really makes me happy. maybe God knows exactly where i need to be and i just need to keep talking to him. growing up is hard. growing up consists of lots of long distance calls to your mom at 3 in the morning. growing up tests your faith in God. growing up feels like you’re on your period everyday of your life. growing up is the hardest journey a person goes through…and i’m only in my 20’s…

you’re not alone, i’ll tell you that. friend, you are not alone at all.

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(feet because my face is beet red from those human things called tears)

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